For some reason today people have been posting stories that have really hit home for me. If you get a chance check out the today's Proceed at Your Own Risk and Shades of Gray, about gay Latino men that they have loved or encountered in their lives. I was going to line out Latino out of political - correctness but there is something unique and universal about the relationship. When I or my friends talk about them they become volcanoes spewing out fiery and passion filled stories about catching them cheat, or lying or talking about their beauty or how they are in bed.

Although lately there has been a level of resignation and sadness in many of their stories. "Oh yeah he got married and invited everyone to the wedding but me" was one I heard from an ex last weekend in NYC. I swallowed my wine and nodded since the same thing happened to me last year. My ex decided after the fact to send me pictures, and for some odd reason I insisted on trying to send a wedding present. After all I knew his wife from college.

There was a point where I resigned myself to sharing him and she resigned herself to not asking any questions. After about a year, he and I were no more (his doing) and she and he remained part-time (his doing as well). I visited them once when they had just got engaged and she and I had a chance to talk. We had the same look in our eyes, the same tone in our voices, and out of our engagement came a level of respect. We both understood "it". In a moment of silence between her and me over a Miller on the patio he became scared. I knew he was and she did too. What he was scared of I am not completely sure, and his reason for being scared was baseless. No matter what thoughts were being exchanged neither one of us was going anywhere.

My sister and I had a chance to see him one day about 4 months after wedding. She asked "So how is being married?" He replied "Everyday I wake up and think about the challenge that I am facing being a married man." She and I were taken aback. I secretly smiled thinking that the challenge was that he still loved me. But then I was sad. I was sad for myself still hoping to revisit a relationship and realize a dream based on naiveté and narcissism. I was sad for his wife, entering a union that was based on this same dream. But I was also sad for him. He was stuck in a challenge.

I must admit that I lack the literary sophistication or the time (I actually am still bored at work, but for the first time in a long while have work to do) or the energy to accurately and full articulate all that was my relationship with him or any of the other Latino men I have dated. I think that the Queen of Soul sang it best in her song I Never Loved a Man the Way that I Love You.

You're a no good heart breaker
You're a liar and you're a cheat
And I don't know whyI let you do these things to me
My friends keep telling me
That you ain't no good
But oh, they don't know
That I'd leave you if I could

I guess I'm uptight
And I'm stuck like glue
Cause I ain't neverI ain't never, I ain't never, no, no (loved a man)
(The way that I, I love you)

Some time ago I thought
You had run out of fools
But I was so wrong
You got one that you'll never lose
The way you treat me is a shame
How could ya hurt me so bad
Baby, you know that I'm the best thing
That you ever had

Kiss me once again
Don'cha never, never say that we we're through
Cause I ain't never
Never, Never, no, no (loved a man)
(The way that I, I love you)

I can't sleep at night
And I can't even fight
I guess I'll never be free
Since you got, your hooks, in me

Whoa, oh, oh
Yeah! Yeah!
I ain't never loved a man
I ain't never loved a man, baby
Ain't never had a man hurt me so bad


FAMILY CHRONICLES: CHANSON D'AMOUR [Procees at Your Own Risk]
Enrique [Shades of Gray]