The Reality on Reality

I just read in Reality Blurred that MTV is going to produce a new Laguna Beach type reality tv show called 8th and Ocean that will follow fashion models working in Miami Beach.

I think that it is funny to call the show 8th and Ocean because all residents of South Beach know that that intersection is one of the last places to find models of any kind. 8th and Ocean is actually the heart of South Beach's daytime tourist scene home to Ben and Jerry's, News Cafe (the place where Gianni Versace picked up his last paper before he was murdered), and WET WILLIES home of the most potent frozen beverages around .

While you are sure not to see aspiring models you are sure to find:

• Hoochies momma's in sheer sarongs sporting tattoos on their titties, Payless Shoe Source high heels, and cellulite
  
• Hyperactive hordes of 20 something b-boys from Atlanta or a New York borough sporting gold teeth, sandals with socks, a video camera, and the weakest pickup lines imaginable
  
• Hyperactive hordes of 20 something b-boys from Atlanta or a New York borough on rented scooters weaving in and out of traffic
  
• Hyperactive hordes of 20 something b-boys from Atlanta or a New York borough in rented luxury cars stuck in traffic behind another horde of 20 something b-boys from Atlanta or a New York borough in rented luxury cars stuck in traffic
  
• Hyperactive hordes of 40 something conventioneers from Oklahoma City happy that the wife and kids are at home
  
• The occasional German family just lost in the mix

Aside from Big Brother 2's Hardy

(who is a manager at Sky Bar) and Making the Band 2's Chopper

I haven’t seen a lot of reality tv stars out here. I hear there is a new show on A&E called Miami Ink, but when a tourist asked a local where to find it he replied "That show is a f*cking joke"

I have seen a couple of stars on the beach: Mike Tyson, Tyra Banks, X-hibit, Pharell, but being from LA originally the first thing you learn is not to be a star f*cker. Plus if you are a local or out with your lazy secretary with the 32 DD taa taas you are sure to end up in VIP right next to them. If you know how to successfully pimp out that secretary you can guarantee yourself access to their bottle.

I think that the gay channel LOGO should do a series called 12th Street Beach. 12th Street beach is the gay section of sand where you are sure to find some of the hottest men in existence. The best thing about them is you are sure to have seen them in a sling getting fisting, getting an enema, or gang banging some poor young twink since many of them are porn 'stars.' My first time at the beach my friend introduced me to an Adonis that I later realized was the object of my desire for years. When I shook his hand I thought "gee he looks familiar." Then I realized he was in a magazine that I had been jerking off to since I was 18. It may have been Honcho or the Undergear catalog, no matter, but I can truly say it was one of the best moments of my life.

One of my very best life moments could have taken place on another possible reality show for LOGO called Walking Home from Twist at 4 o'clock in the Morning. Shirtless men walking their dogs, men riding their bikes nowhere and the resident tranvestite crack whore giving head in alley screams high drama and a ratings success. In a time long before I met the fabulously amazing bf, I offered a lost biker rider I met walking home from Twist a drink of water at my house. Halfway through us drinking water I thought "gee he looks familiar." When he left, with his souvenir cup, I realized that he was the coverboy to one of my fav Kristen Bjorn DVDs. I don't know what network the show Drunk Dialing Your Friends to Tell Them You Boned a Kristen Bjorn Pornstar should be on.